Right lads, i'm in the shit. Big time. 3 days till my bro's wedding and I still havent found a single complement that I can pay to his missus in the best man's speech.
Problem is that she is a two-faced scummmer with all the manners of a pissed retard from Aldershot - and I can't fucking stand her, so If any of you boys have an idea of something complementary I could say, I'm all ears.
When we were a Kingdom it was run by a King
When we were an Empire it was run by an Empress
Now we're a country we're run by a..........
I imagine vicars have this problem every week for funeral services!
I think I'd go for aiming abuse at your brother and heaping praise the gal for taking him on for all his fault - which you go into in great detail for humour, to embarrass your bro and deflect speech content from much about the bride.
Hmm, a tough one. Just talk about your brother (light hearted abuse always works well)! If you're absolutely plastered and rambling a bit, noone will pay you any attention anyway.
When I want your opinion - I'll tell you what it is!
Thanks for the tips guys. I have sooooo many embarassing stories about him
Anyway, I've admitted defeat for the night and gone to the pub 
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When we were a Kingdom it was run by a King
When we were an Empire it was run by an Empress
Now we're a country we're run by a..........
It's traditional to tip a brief nod to how good the bride looks, then turn on the piss-taking for the groom.
If you don't believe she looks good, the easiest way around this is to offer a compliment which is both charming and non-committal. Getting the rest of the guests to agree with you also deflects attention away from your possible contempt.
Something along the lines of:
"Before I begin the roasting of my brother I'd just like to say what a great honour it is to have xxxxxx as part of the Kenton clan, and I'm sure you'll all agree, that she looks as stunning as ever on this special day."
Then toast her.
Using the phrase "as stunning as ever" can mean whatever you want it to mean, but most will take it as a generous complement.
An old director friend gave me some advice about complementing actors in a shit play. Just say "As superb as I'd have expected from you!", meaning you expected it to be total shite. 
K and I are getting around all this pain and discomfort by not having a best man or bridesmaids or speeches! Wedding, food, toasts, dancing.
S
